Some months ago one particularly nasty gaslighter (man) on Facebook -- Integral Global group open to public -- insisted I need to urgently seek help for my mental condition. Few snippets of what he said to me: "you come across to me as a milder version of Adi Da (...) (who) turned out to be an absolutely pathological nightmare. " + "you come across as someone with either temporal lobe epilepsy, bipolar disorder, or a history of deep trauma that has produced dissociative states and grandiose coping skills."
That, I suffer from "delusional preoccupations". All that, and much more he told me, because he thinks he is enlightened and his job is to declare me delusional, etc. Been there, danced this crazy dance with other not enlightened minds calmly. I am happy to say he left the group.
Of course I am all that he says I am, because this is what his ego/surface mind and its intellect sees.
Of course I have been mentally ill all of my life! How else can one explain the altruism my twelve year old was capable of the day she did something so kooky, it made her heart glad.
True story:
I remember well how excited my twelve year old self was when I gathered enough money for my pass to see a movie. I accomplished this feat by collecting enough bottles and washed with sand and water, before taking them to the recycling station, in an exchange for some cash.
All of town's kids (in Poland) were in same anticipatory mood to see the movie. I left the house early and it turned out others did too, because the line was long already. This show was a one day event.
We waited patiently till the theater's ticked counter opened, and then slowly but surely inched closer and closer to the desired goal. Unfortunately, by the time I got to the ticked window, the lady behind the counter yelled out "last ticket!" - to those (still many) standing in line behind me.
So, what does this insane kid do? I turned to the boy behind me and said, "go ahead, you can have it". He said, "are you sure?"..... I nodded 'yes'. . . . and, my lil' heart was happy for him!
I was definitely insane the day I decided to end a cold war between couple of girlfriends (at work). Those two started each day with hugs and cheerful talk-sharing...until they stopped and wouldn't even look at each other. I had no idea what circumstance brought on this stand off, but after few days of their mutual silent treatment, I spoke to one of them - the one who seemed sadder than the other - by gently encouraging her to go up to her friend and ask: "are you still mad at me?" I said, her friend looks sad and might be ready to talk. . .Minutes later they were both yelling! (releasing hurt feeling), and within minutes their friend-love was back on track.
I remember well the day I got really angry when I heard one of our (co-worker) friend's teeth got knocked out by a bully, and confronted him. . .My action inspired others to stand up to him, and the bully fired himself the next morning. The boss thanked me "for what you did".
I wrote about this incident in 'The Green Eyed Monster'? (I have green eyes)
I am definitely mentally ill, because even though on strict budget, I helped to build a water well somewhere in Africa (through Christian Ministry organization).
Yeah, I must have been deeply traumatized, when my indignant four year old self, declared:
"I will dance for God!", when Gran tried to teach me prayers. Gran told me this story with eyes shining tenderly when I was a young teen.
I was very insane because I often danced on a way to school to express the JOY I was feeling.
I danced on a beach alone under the sky's star-studded canopy ... how insane is that for a 19 years old?
Chasing butterflies in fragrant with wild flowers meadow was so much fun! Making flower wreaths and wearing them....sure sign of lunacy! - and am happy to say there is no cure for that.
Hanging out on tree branches and singing sweetly? Definitely very strange...but am glad no one placed me in the asylum for the insane.
I had very intelligent parents and tons of friends and several siblings to interact with, but I also craved solitude. In a very secluded part of the garden I performed all manner of bodily contortions and called it 'gymnastics'. Many years later (in Canada), learned that those contortions were very advanced yoga poses. . .In this very spot, in dream state I found chunks of pure gold, and knew that the Vision signified: 'only within your innermost interiority one has access to something precious, something which book knowledge can't give.'
To some, my 'noble' character traits and decades worth of Depth data in spiritual science, are interpreted as 'sickness'. One who doesn't know me and doesn't comprehend what forces animate me, has no choice but think this. . .And if I was psychologically fragile during the many years of being bullied by gaslighters in all their furious glory, I would have become a total wreck years ago. And the reason no one can 'brake' me, is because I have been in a permanent Samadhi state -- or Grace bestowed Peace and Bliss, the result of the Descent of Divine Peace, the descent of Force/Power, the descent of Light -- for a long time. Soul infused personality doesn't fear other's judgments, is not at all caught up in a patterns of people pleasing or controlling tactics. . .In other words, the Sovereign One can't be bullied into submission by emotional manipulators. Once the Holy Spirit / Kundalini Goddess grabbed me by the scruff of my neck and showed me who the Boss is, I prayed: YOUR WILL NOT MINE BE DONE! This is why I unopologetically bear witness to what was DONE to me and boldly declare Divine Revelations.
My spiritual peer Sri Aurobindo affirms this:
"The ascent is the first step, it is a means for the descent. It is the descent of new consciousness attained by the ascent that is the stamp and seal of the Sadhana. & This Yoga demands a full ascension of the whole lower or ordinary consciousness to join the spiritual above it and a full descent of the spiritual (eventually supramental) into the mind, life and body to transform it. The total ascent is impossible as long as sex drive blocks the way; the Descent is dangerous so long as sex-drive is powerfulin the vital."
I happily blame my 'ways' on:
'This is the Way of the Divine-Love-in-Action and I blame it on Karma'
(the causes set in motion in prior incarnation manifesting their results in this one).
The me, whose heart broke open many years ago felt compelled to recite a Prayer for Humanity's healing at noon. The pain of being aware of humanity's suffering compelled me to beg ascended beings (Saints) to: "help us because we don't know what we're doing".
In my mind's eye I imagined my Angel self hovering above Earth's orb, Blessing its beings with Divine Light flowing through my hands...or, 'sending healing energy' to all beings by placing hands on the globe, felt very normal to me.
I have been know in Yogic (awake) sleep state to Bless beings standing along river's bank with the Sign of the Holy Cross, while floating above gently flowing river's currents. . .
The same Love-River-Light made Pure by cultivating noble virtues, I saw with the eye of contemplation flowing out of my Heart chakra in all its eye-dazzling glory (not same experience as the one I shared in The River of Light, post).
What some call "pathological nightmare", to others it is something else. Some think that the evolving personality is the same entity as the non-biological Light being/Soul. Sri Aurobindo reminds us:
"The psychic and spiritual transformation are within our mental conception: The supramental has a radically different awareness of things. Mentality cannot know its nature. It can only be known via the spiritualised mind. It can only begin to understand Supermind when we have connected to spiritualised mind. Our personal endeavor and aspirationn cannot reach Supermind; our is the life of ignorance. The higher spiritual planes create their own formulations in the depths within us..."
Edit-including 2021-05-27 William James words: his retort to the 'medical materialism, folks -- which folks like me are grateful for.
"We're surely all familiar in a general way with this method of discerning states of mind for which we have an antipathy. "Medical materialism" seems, indeed, a good appellation for the simple-minded system of thought which we are considering. Medical materialism finishes up St. Paul byy calling his vision on the road to Damascus a discharching lesion of the occipital cortex, he being an epileptic. It snuffs out St. Teresa as an hysteric, St. Francis of Assissi as an hereditary degenerate. George Fox's discontent with the shams of his age and his pining for spiritual veracity, it treats as symptoms of a disordered colon. All such mental tensions, it says, are, due to the perverted action of various glannds which physiology will yet discover."
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